Two Weeks In India

This is about the third time I've sat down to write this post. Hence it is a week and a half since I've returned that I'm posting it. Maybe this is because the lovely Hayley couldn't come with me and as such I am a writer without a muse. Maybe it was because I felt the first two attempts were pretentious bullshit that violated the nature of our postings. Maybe India is just a confusing and contrasting place. Whatever the reason, I hope I've got it right this time.

Fucking India hey? Has anyone ever been there? The place is fucking mental. Its genius and I love it. Where else in the world can you be sitting in the hotel reading your morning paper when a goat wanders past the front window? Where else do you have drive on the wrong side of the road in peak hour traffic to get around two cows blocking the right hand lane? Where else are you constantly confronted with food that raises the question in your mind "will this make me shit myself later?" The place is absolutely crazy.

I think I could very easily get used to Indian life. Yes its dirty, yes its chaos and yes the food is a mind field of bowel movements, yet I love the food, I love the dirtiness and how raw the place is and the chaos, whilst confronting at first, somehow only adds to its charater. Its something that you quickly become accustomed to also. On the way back the airport we were very nearly T-boned not far from my hotel. Had that happened when I first arrived I would probably have been hospitalised for shock, but having seen and experienced the way the roads function for two weeks, I simply smiled at how ridiculous it all was.

I recall being incredibly flustered when I first arrived. I got into Mumbai at around 11:30 p.m Sunday night and had to jump straight into a car to take the 3-4 hour drive to Pune to start work the next day. Despite my height making it typically difficult to sleep in car, I did manage to fall fast asleep. I woke up as we pulled into a truck stop at around 1 a.m. I got out of the car half asleep, managed to buy a packet of smokes and a lighter (which was the first time I had done such a thing in about 2 months) and then stood there just trying to take everything in as I smoked a cigarette. The stop was a row of stalls and vendors on the roadside and there were so many people there, especially for that time of night. I remember there was Hindi music pumping out loud and a shit load of people looking at me. I wasn't really sure if they looking at me as though thinking "what the fuck is he doing here?" or thinking "what the fuck has that guy taken?" given the state I was in, however given the number of stares I acquired throughout the duration of my stay I'd say it was the former.

Despite the looks, which sometimes inspired a jump on the part of the proponent to mimic my stature, the people were simply lovely. The guys in the office were absolutely amazing and made the time there so much easier and enjoyable. They took me out for the weekend to enjoy the real Pune, and not the one I saw in the Hotel lobby. Turns out the joint was actually the Indian capital at one point when the Peshwas ruled. There are statues of the Peshwa king all over the place and the palace grounds still stand in the centre of the city, despite the palace itself being burnt down. It is quite a funny place inside the walls of the palace. The inside is quite peaceful with its lawns and historic nature, but spilling over its walls is the fucking incessant sound of car horns.

That was the first impression I had of India, "lay of the fucking car horn champ". I remember getting out of Mumbai airport and being led to the car and all I could hear was car horn after car horn. I thought that it must just be busy being a Sunday night and that everyone was eager to get home. I was very much mistaken. I think the only thing Indians love more than cricket is getting the fucking car horn in traffic. The project manager for our supplier over there informed me that he has 3 different settings for his car horn. If you don't listen to the first two setting, the third is probably some form of the brown note which will cause you to shit yourself (That is about the third time I have mentioned pooing in this post, for those who are keeping count).

I think the contrast this palace presents is somewhat symbolic of where India is at the moment and why it is such an interesting time to visit. When you go to a department store there are sections dedicated to western styles, however the traditional garb still features prominently. This kind of mix can be seen everywhere. Its like the West is coming and they're ok with it, but they want to hang on to who they are and where they come from. In a way they're really thumbing their noses at those anti-G20 fucks who's only claim seems to be that globalisation is killing off all cultural identity and heritage. Well here are a people who proudly hold that culture in the highest regard whilst they propel themselves into the global economy with growth of 7-8 percent per annum (Oh yeah, there is nothing like an economic statistic to ge things hot and steamy).

I think perhaps the coolest example of this that I saw were the lorries that were decked out in traditional Indian ornaments. The whole front of the chasis would look like it was designed to star in a Bollywood film.

Now thats not to say that India is comepletely on its way. If you watch TV you would think these guys have money coming out of every orifice they possessed. Sachin Tendulkar, MS Dhoni and Shahrukh Kahn are on every second commercial promoting products for the affluent lifestyle. Cable TV, Sony Plasma TVs, 3G mobile phones. But then you get out on the street and these are no where to be seen. Stray dogs and goats eating out rubbish of the side of roads like a fucking gypsie animal jamboree. Tents and sheds constructed out of whatever material could be salvaged to build the family home. Run down apartments with half the building missing. Its a completely different place. Now I could go into the corruption of the place, but I think we all know about that and I think India deserves better than this. The locals have a fantastic sense of humour about themselves and the way their country is run. The video below was on an email getting sent around the office. It uses clips from a Bollywood out at the moment called Singham and has pasted the Prime Minister's head over the main charater's. It is probably the funniest bit of political satire I have seen in a long while and is a far cry more intelligent than those fucking "I bet I can get 100 000 Aussies who want Julia Gillard to take her top off" Facebook pages circulating around at the moment.

The thing I think I found most remarkable was the scenary. When you think of India, you think of the city streets cluttered and dirty. In Pune, whilst the city itself is in line with this, it is surrounding by beautiful mountain ranges. I was blown away by the drive back the airport and the trip we took out to the ranges over the weekend. The place was so green due to it being monsoon season and there was waterfall after waterall. After about the twenty or thirtieth waterfall on the drive back it was almost like "come on, now you're just showing off aren't you? Oh look at me I've got waterfalls coming out of my arse" but it was truly remarkable. We drove past small waterfalls falling right next to the road. I would attach some photos here to show you what I meant but my photos are rubbish so I won't bother. Just close your eyes and picture it in your head. Nice yeah?

So I come back from India very surprised and hoping to get back soon if the lovely will indulge me. It is simply brilliant. To all the guys over there, if by any chance you are reading, thank you for being so welcoming and making my stay so wonderful.

Peace and love to my Lord and saviour, I'm out.

Whinge

Dear Cardigans, Tights, Boots, Beanies, Socks, Layers, Jeans and Hoodies,

I really miss you. We shall be reunited in September and it will make me so happy.

With love,

Hayley

Chop Stick Bastards Stealing Our Jobs

This post might get a bit serious in parts, but I'll try and keep it light hearted.

I am currently in India working with our supplier here and came across a hilarious article about Indian Call Centres training their staff about how to handle Australian customers. The article refers to us as drunkards who haven't long had a tertiary education system. I think my favourite quote mentioned that if call us on a Friday we'll be "smashed". This guy obviously knows his Aussie culture. I don't know of any other nationality that uses that term. I also had to laugh at the comment refering to our choice of mobile phones as I sport my Nokia "four digit number" that I bought for $20 in Manila.

Now you might read this article and get a little hot under the collar. I'm sure one or two of you will fly off the handle. This is the precise reason why this article is considered news worthy. But is it really news worthy? Would Channel News Asia ever run a segment on how white people think Asians can't drive? Would the New York Times ever run an article on how the rest of the world thinks Americans are fucking annoying? Would an Indian newspaper ever publish an article on how Australians are commiting hate crimes against Indian students and calling them "opportunist"? Well actually yes on that last one they would, and they pumped the shit out of the thing.

But my point is, this is a perfect example of all the stupid things we think about one another. I may mention one or two stereotypes along the way as I blog our way through the eastern hemisphere, but there is reasoning behind it. I'm reminded of a sketch on the Dave Chappelle show where a couple of Arabs are sitting at the front of a plane talking in Arabic about American Idol. The camera then pans back to the row behind where two African Americans are thinking "great, we've got a couple of terrorists on our plane". The row behind has a middle aged white man with his daughter wondering how these African Americans could afford business class. He assumes they must be rappers and needs to keep an eye on his daughter. Behind him are two native American Indians who are worried the white guy will steal their in flight magazine or something in the same way the way white man stole his land. Then just to really slam it home, behind the natives are a couple of bison worried the Indians will kill and eat them. To finish the sketch the camera backs to Dave Chappelle passed out in his seat with a newspaper across his lap and the headline "America United".

And this is my point. We all think these absolutely ridiculous things about each other. Some of them are based on loose facts, some are a bit funny and some are just a fucking disgrace. Why I may make stupid racist jokes with tongue in cheek is to highlight just how stupid it is that some of us geniunely believe this stuff and hold it against one another. I think there are certain things that we do that we can all laugh at, as long as everyone is comfortable with it. But I think to say that one person can't be trusted or is lazy or are lesser than you just because of their background is laughable.

This is perhaps a strange tract to take in a blog that is primarily a pisstake. I think part of the reason I felt like writing this is seeing the signing of an agreement between Malaysia and Australia for an immigrant handover or whatever the fuck they're coining it. Watching the last election a thought crossed my mind. I watched two parties who weren't out to win an election, they were just trying not to lose one, who didn't want to say anything in case what they said meant they'd lose the election. So what became the key issue? Boat people. Boat people in my view is political code for "I have nothing worth saying that will change the course of this nation". It is a distraction. Think about all the other issue we have in everyday life. We are at a unique a point in time. We had the baby boomers generation where our parent's parents fucked like rabbits and pumped out kids in the "populate or perish" era. If you look at the make up of our population and plotted the number of people per age group in bands, the bands around the 50-60 age bracket are particularly swollen compared to those below it. Why is this an issue? Currently, and this is an issue across the western world who "laid back and thought of England(or their respective country)" all those years ago, there are about 3-4 employees to retirees bludging of welfare cheques. Over the course of the next 10 years or so, when the golden oldies start retiring, we are faced with having 2 people in the work force to every retiree. Welfare payments are already at level that is almost negligible. Imagine where they're heading in the coming years.

Now look around Aus and think of all the areas we have failed to invest in. We have a skills shortage, massive holes in healthcare, holes in our infrastructure. We have environmental issues that need to be addressed. We don't have a single public transport system in the entire country that operates adequately.

Now I might show flashes of my leftist twinge here, but these are all things that should have been invested in during the Howard years. In this country we saw sustained growth for some 13 years. Our tax receipts grew year on year over the course of this time. We had the funds to start to put in place some real plans to move the country forward. And what did Howard and Costello do with this? They paid off our debts.

Now on face value, great idea. Debt is never something we wish do live with, but unfortunately we are forced to in certain times. However, this is thinking in terms of the individual or the household. I like the analogy of economist Andrew Charlton who in his book "Ozenomics" made the point, that yes, the goal of your average household is to get to the point in life where you are debt free. However in the business world this just won't do. You tell me how long any CEO would survive if he kept a zero balance for liabilities on his balance sheet. What that says is the business doesn't think there is anything in the market worth investing in, meaning the business is either going to go broke or needs to change what market it is in. This is a little off topic, I'll admit, but I do like to harp on the fact that the last Liberal government was indirectly telling you they thought the nation had nothing going for it.

Maybe it wasn't that at all. If you think back to the Howard years, whether you view them as a triumph of Australian leadership or an era of nationlistic tyranny, what was the key platform they built their policies around? What did they bring to the election table every three years? Boat people.

To be fair, we did see the rise of one Pauline Hanson who had a hand in changing the Australian political landscape. She made enough noise to have the two major parties shut her down. But it was under Howard that the issue of immigration became a key focal point in Australian politics. Why is this? When you think about the issue of whatever your turn of phrase is for them, be it boat people, be it illegal immigrants, be it assylum seekers, be it those chop stick bastards coming here stealing our jobs (to whom I ask, will you drive me home at 4am on a Saturday morning while I try not vomit in the back of your cab and sing to whatever Gold FM are playing? Will you serve me my sausage roll at the 7-11 at 4am while I think I am the funniest person alive and try and work just how drunk I am right now? Will you clean the toilet in maccas after I've rained down hell on the thing from whichever orifice was appropriate at the time?) how do they honestly affect your everyday life?

For the average Australian are we geniunely impacted so heavily by people entering the country that we are willing to let an election be decided by it? And a more important question, because this really shows what happens when you take your eyes off the prize, are we willing to let 13 years of sustained economic growth pass by without seeing our government make any headway into solving our real key issues? The Howard government's legacy will be remembered forever as taking a strong stance on people illegally entering the country as long as we are not willing to accept that what it really did was create a distraction for long enough to save itself from having to make a decision about the direction of the country. Leave the poor bastards alone and get focused on the real problem facing Australia, a lack of real leadership.

Thanks for reading this if you read it the whole way through. I'll try to get back on assignment next time and
get some of the other posts I've been working on out. Who is your favourite genius, James Hird or James Joyce?

Toffee Aussies

This might seem a touch wanky but I am going to put a disclaimer on this one as I feel I might be sticking my neck out.

This post contains my own individual opinions and views on the airline industry. It in no way reflects the views of my employer. The airline that employs me makes every effort to meet the demands of its customers, whilst keeping its airfares at a level that enables more Australians to fly. I do not wish to disclose my employer in this post, however, should that come to light in any manner, I wish to stress that this is me analysing the market in my own words having the experience I have within the industry, which is extremely limited, and that in no way does it reflect the attitudes of the organisation I work for. This blog is intended to be light hearted and the comments made in this post should not be taken seriously.

As I said, that probably is a bit pretentious on my part. I doubt anyone of any real importance will ever read this blog, but just in case the wrong person came across it who didn't understand what we do here, I wanted to make this clear to them.

When I worked in a Low Cost Carrier's call centre I received a great many complaints that left me scratching my head. I ended up working in the Customer Care department and my days were filled by aggreived customers appauled at the lack of service they had received on our flight.

Every time I sat there listening to someone who was horrified that the food trolley had run out of food, or their seat didn't recline properly, or they didn't get the seat they selected online I thought to myself, you do realise this is a budget carrier don't you? The industry stopped calling itself "Budget" a while ago because they thought it gave off the image that it was cheap, instead opting for the "Low Cost Carrier". But ultimately, you can call a shovel a spade, but you'll get what you paid for.

I think Australians failed to understand this concept with the introduction of the Low Cost Carrier niche in the Australian market. I understand the real complaints that people had and often found it difficult to deny someone's request based on policy alone. I dealt with a number of passengers with genuine complaints and, believe it or not everyone I worked with in that setting would make an honest attempt to assist in anyway possible.

These scenarios aside, there is an this image that certain low cost carriers are just out to cheat everyone and passengers are willing to argue for everything and anything they can. The people who will call up and say "I booked this flight a month ago for 200, now its on sale for 100. I want you to refund the difference." which is a call I took once must be kidding themselves surely. In a less "professional" setting I would like to have retorted this by saying "Alright fuckwit. You try that in Myers or Woolworths and see if that works. Why do you come to us and expect it to?" These airlines face a continual stream of complaints that if they were directed at any other business would be laughed at. The Australian low cost carrier market is still relatively young and so it is still being defined by its buyers and suppliers. We are seeing passengers demanding a high level of service from something that traditionally had none. Ryanair in England is the grand father of low cost carriers and is renowned for being cheap and nasty. It has its eyes set so heavily on its bottom line and away from the concerns of its customers, that it applied to the aviation safety authority in Europe to allow it to offer standing areas for its passengers. This is where low cost carriers came from. Buy the ticket, get on the plane,
shut the fuck up, get on your way, we'll see you next time.

In Australia on the other hand the attitude of passengers is laughable. "Excuse me. You mean to say that I paid $200 for an airfare that previous to the collapse of the Ansett/QANTAS duopoly would have cost me $400 and I have to use my legs to walk on the aircraft? I don't think so laddy boy. Wheres my gold chariot? Why isn't someone carrying me?" An exaggeration? Yeah probably, but I have spoken to passengers with such an air of entitlement that it wouldn't have surprised if someone had requested this.

What is happening in Australia is an airline like Jetstar and Tiger, who came into the market expecting to behave in the same vein as its fore fathers, have been forced to adapt to a market with much higher expectations. Each has had to implement a Customer Resolution department to meet the high volume of customers who are unsatisfied with the service they received. Now in economic terms we call these sophisticated buyers demanding a higher quality product. But think about it for a moment. The Low Cost strategy is just that, low cost. The idea is to sacrifce quality in order to control costs. When quality is demanded, something must give. And what we have just seen in Tiger is a healthy helping of give.

When a company has to introduce such a strategy, and the strategy doesn't have a direct impact on revenue, this increases the cost of operating the airline. By bitching and griping about every little misdemeanour experienced on these airlines, you have made it more expensive for these airlines to operate. When this happens, the airline has two options. They either attack the shit out their bottom lines to recover the costs from elsewhere, or they start to move away from the Low Cost Carrier market, into the murkier, unclear waters of the MCC (an industry joke meaning More Complex Carrier). We have seen Virgin for the last couple of years make an interesting transition through this stage and now its not quite sure what it is any more.

I think the best contrast to draw is Tiger Australia and Jetstar. Virgin has forever been the teflon man of the skies in Australia, shitting rose scented golden eggs in the eye of the consumer. Jetstar and Tiger are a great example of what is happening because they have always been seen as the cheap and nasty options. In other words, they are Low Cost Carriers. This is an awful joke, but I recall sitting on a flight back from KL with Hailz on board a Tiger flight quipping that this might be the last thing we ever do. She asked what I meant and I said well low cost airline are perceived as being not that safe (this is not entirely true given that Jetstar has never experienced a safety issue, whilst its full service parent Qantas, well you know the story.). Then I asked "isn't it ironic, don't ya think?" she asked, "ironic? Dancing Davey Dave, whatever do you mean" and I replied "well, its like raaa-iiii-aaaiiinnn on your wedding day, its a free riiiii-e-iiiddeee when you're already there". She then beat me savagely for the next five minutes or so before a flight attendent asked us to remove ourselves from the flight and discuss the matter with airport officials. The laughs keep coming. I'd not long been in Singapore and was down the pub for a manly pint (Thanks "How Not To Live Your Life) and met a few of the locals. They asked what I did for a crust and I informed them I'd moved to Singapore to work for an airline. They asked if that was a LCC and I said yes, we're so cheap we don't fit our planes out with navigation equipment, we just give the pilots a pair of binoculars and a compass. I think my Australian flavour of humour was lost on them as they, despite their obvious concern over this fact, whole heartedly accepted this as a way of doing business in the budget world. I did manage to clear that one up and hope that they continue to enjoy our services in the future, safe in the knowledge that we do indeed fit our aircraft out with the latest in navigation attire.

Why Tiger and Jetstar make such an interesting comparison is that you can actually see that these are two airlines faced with very similiar dilemmas but they attacked it in a different manner. Tiger went with targeting the bottom line. Sure they still put in a customer service department and have added more customer friendly products to their range (which isn't really aimed at improving the customer experience, but rather the revenue stream), but overall they have continued to try and offer the cheapest package they possibly could. They have only just upgraded their reservation system last month, a system that has been outdated for nearly three years. Their website has not changed in their seven years of operation (beginning in Singapore) and it shows.

The thing is, with rising fuel costs and increased demand for higher levels of service, something had to budge. Unfortunately it was the aviation safety authority, who took the action of grounding them. We are still waiting at this stage to see if Tiger Australia ever take the air again. They have never made a dollars profit in their three years on Aussie soil and, given the impact this will have on their reputation, they probably never will. Don't be suprised though if they stick around in the market despite the continual loses.

I say this because Tiger's main share holder, despite making it evidently clear that they have nothing to do with the running of the airline, is Singapore International Airline. Call me cynical, but I'm sure, whilst SIA and the Tiger establishment saw the Australian market as being potentially profitable, I think there is also a bit of cat and mouse being played out with Qantas having pushed its way into Singapore with Jetstar Asia and rumours surrounding a Qantas full service international carrier based out of Singapore (Don't ask me if thats true because I have no idea), not to mention SIA's new long haul international Low Cost carrier beginning operations next year. One could easily suggest that SIA and Tiger's willingness to lose money in the Australian market whilst seriously undercutting Jetstar might have something to do with taking Qantas' focus off the rapidly growing, highly lucrative and more understanding of the budget format, Asian market.

Jetstar on the other hand have begun the transtion you asked it to take. It long ago threw up the white flag at being the cheapest airline in Aus, instead contenting itself with having the highest "Price Competitiveness" Index. This is a score awarded to the airline based on a range of features, not just price alone. As they increase their services, this increases their complexities and ultimately increases their price.

This is what we've done as consumers. We've all but driven the cheapest offering out of the market by making it unsafe and unreputable and made all other combatants head for the safety of the MCC category. This might be what we as customers want, a higher standard of service. But just remember that when you're on line looking to book your week away to Bali to stock up on Bintang singlets and knock off Ray Bans, that the air fares are likely to be much more expensive as a result of this. Don't call up the airline complaining about how expensive the fares are because we did it for you. We hope you enjoyed your flight today.

Tiger Crystal Party

In my role as the Golden Child it is my duty to fluke crazy shit and tell you stories about it. And so here is the tale of how whilst drinking free beer, I won more free beer.

I saw on Facebook that Tiger Beer Singapore were promoting a Tiger Crystal Party. For anyone who hasn't had a Tiger Crystal and likes light flavoured beers that you can drink for a day and a half at a time, Tiger Crystal is right up your alley. The competition involved clicking a button on their Facebook page to open a bottle of beer and see if you'd won an invite. As luck would have it, I won. I got on the phone to Mort to inform him of my good fortune, but also of the dilemma we now faced. It was only a double pass. However, in the eleventh hour, Mort came through winning one of the last passes to be released, meaning the four of us would be team up for an onslaught that would see the beer supply fail before the allotted end time.

The party took place down at the Tanjong Beach Club on Sentosa. Now I will fill in the blanks as to what that actually means. Sentosa is a little island in Singapore. Having "reclaimed" so much land, the two islands are almost now one and are connected by a bridge measuring only a couple of hundred metres in length. Sentosa is kind of the Gold Coast / Las Vegas of Singapore. The Tanjong Beach Club is literally on Tanjong Beach. The floor is sand within its realms along the sand is a swimming pool. Yep, a swimming pool on the beach. Gotta love it.

So we arrive, show our E-Pass to verify ourselves and are handed a wrist band each. We wanted to wander away from the party down near the water on the beach, rather than the pool. So we asked if we could take an ice bucket full of beer with us. The promoters said yes. This is probably the point where we realised just how much we were likely to get away with for the day. To let us stock up on beer and walk away with it was definitely not a wise move.

We took our beers and headed down to the water. When I saw a giant floating trampoline in the water I was obviously going to try and ride the thing. So we made our way towards but noticed a guy on the beaching waving at us saying not to. There was no way I was going to miss this opportunity so I headed back up the beach towards the guy to speak to him. When I reached him I asked if we could jump on which he declined saying that it was only for private parties. I then launched into the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever said to try to get something.

I explained that I was a Jetstar representative and Mort was from Tourism Australia and together we were putting together an advertising campaign about Singapore Tourism and this kind of thing was just what we were looking to promote over here. Eventually with enough bullshit, the guy relented and allowed just the two of us to jump on, as long as we wore a life jacket. It was really, really worth it. It was exhausting up there, but lots of fun. I noticed though just how unfit I currently am when I had to stop trying to jump on the tramp and lie down for a bit. It was hard work given there was no real bounce back up as the water kind of absorbed it, but still, chubbs needs to sort that shit out.




Having had our fun on the tramp and somehow ending up playing a game of touch rugby with the locals, with some of the loosest rules I've ever played under, we found our way back up to the party to lounge in the pool. At first it looked as though the Club was taking issue with us carrying drinks in the water, but they then supplied us with plastic cups to carry around. We basically spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool drinking bucket after bucket of beer. At one stage I think we had about 20-30 beers lined up along the side of the pool and were certainly supplying patrons who were not part of our exclusive breed.



Then I think the strangest part of the afternoon happened. I have to say, I was well gone at this point. I can hardly remember any of this, just a kind of hazy outline. Somehow, I tuned in to what was happening right at the time when they were drawing the major prizes. Through my semi-unconsciousness I managed to decifer the instructions as to where to find my lucky door prize number on my wrist band, which was actually hard to find. I found the numbers and start reading them, as the girl on stage is reading out the first winning number and they match. It was like we were reading them together in unison.

From this point up until I arrived on stage is very hazy. The pool was an infinity pool and the edge nearest the stage was a wall on the other side. Somehow, having made a "WOOOOOO" noise, I managed to scale the wall and run up onto the stage where I stood before the crowd with my arms raised as though I was on a podium. I can remember being asked my name to which I replied but can't remember what happened directly after that. Then there was a representative from Tiger who was posing for photos with all the winners. I naturally tried to pash him on the cheek, which caused him to rear away from me. Them I remember being whisked off to the side to fill in my address details. I made about three attempts to get my address, E Pass number and Post Code right and kept running back and forwards with the various bits of information. In retrospect all those times I ran backwards and forwards to the pool, I was probably running through the presentation but had no idea that I was doing it.



So I won a years supply of Tiger Crystal (12 slabs) and $300 in shopping vouchers. The Golden Child reigns supreme. But I think possibly the most fun was waking up the next day and seeing all these photos of us all over Facebook posted by Tiger. There is one photo that I have no idea when it happened. I seem to recall having an ice bucket full of water and a bunch of guys telling me to put it on my head, but I could be imagining that. Anyway, there was one photo of me with an ice bucket over my head. Great times.

Singaporean (Anti) Socialising

In Singapore it seems that iPhones are government issue. Every man and his dog has one of the fucking things. I always take great delight in shouldering some idiot who has forgotten himself and failed to cleared the doors on the MRT at the station as he fervently tries to clear a level of Angry Birds. But let's be honest, Angry Birds or not, he wouldn't have gotten out of my anyway. It is just not what a Singaporean would do. I'm not trying to be rude, it is just not in their culture to considerate this. And I am not saying Singaporeans are inconsiderate either because the concept hasn't entered their spectrum of consideration. But anyway, this is not my point here, this discussion is a whole other post in itself.

The point I'm making here is in regards to the way apple products have shaped social interactions between Singaporeans today. We first noticed what I am referring one evening as we walked through a park. However, without a doubt the most disturbing experience occurred when we were at a bar near our house for happy hour one Friday. Being Singapore we were struggling to gain the waiter's attention for long enough to secure as many as three drinks each within the hour and a half we were at the venue.

Whilst we were sitting swearing at the waiter's continued failure to deliver a vodka orange and a half pint of Stella within half an hour, we noticed two of the locals sitting at a table across from us. One was holding an iPad, the other an iPhone. They both sat there for the entire duration Hayley and I were there, sipping a glass of wine, not saying anything to each other, just playing level after level of angry Birds on their respective devices. So Hayley and I set out to replicate this one evening and see what the buzz was. Sadly our attempt didn't really live up to our expectations. To be fair, this may have been on account of the fact that my phone cost me $20 in Manila and its gaming content includes the likes of "Snake".

Anyway, as I mentioned this was not an isolated incident. We often see two or three people sitting together on a park bench, not speaking to one another, just tapping away on the screen of their apple product.

With this in mind I have developed a range of products for the modern Singaporean socialite. The best seller is basically a cardboard box that you can cut up and arrange around yourself so its like you're in a room. That way its like you're in the comfort of your own home despite the fact you're within a dry a hump of distance away from the person you're IM'ing. I've also developed a special visor that allows you to clip a picture of the person you're "hanging out with" on the inside. This allows users to not even remove their eyes from the screen to ignore the person they're "out with". I must say, these products have really taken off, especially since the marketing campaign was released.

Who Nose?

This post is particularly distasteful.

I've been noticing that since I've got to Singapore I've been picking my nose a whole lot more. I'm not saying that its something new I've picked up like knitting or chlamydia, which I should note, I haven't picked up either of those so don't worry. But I'm doing it with more frequency and in a more public setting then I would ever be game to do back home.

Now I offer two reasons for this, neither of which I'm sure hold any weight, but might be fun to pad out. The first of these reasons is that I'm in Asia and it just might be that I view that kind of thing as being OK in the region and, as such, I feel comfortable enough to indulge in the practice in such enhanced fashion. Is that racist? That I think that in this culture its acceptable to behave in such vulgar manner in public? Maybe its not racist and I've just "nose dived" right into living here. Oh boom. Did he? Did he? Yeah, he did.

Quickly distancing myself from that last exchange I offer my other explanation. I used to suffer from sinuses really bad as a young adolescent, struggling to come to terms with the world with a nose like a fucking fog horn. However in recent years I've seen my Hayfever become less prevalent. Since moving here I have noticed that my sinus are a touch more on edge and I have a theory for why that is. I have a view that the tropics are a kind of Club Med for plants. All these attractive young plants out there in the heat with nothing better to do than get freaky with one another, meaning that you end up with a couple of young stud plants spraying pollen around like a male porn star who can't aim. These over hyped stamen let lose a torrent of plant love into the air for all sinus sufferers to endure.

This is by no means a reasonable account of why I've taken to my nasal cavaity which such fervour, but it did give me an opportunity to use that last joke which I've been mulling over since my early days here.

Jager Bombs with Aker

Saturday, 18th June 2011

Aker opened the evening with the line "Listening to me speak is like sex on a camping trip. It's fucking in tents". Perhaps this was an omen for what was in store for this evening as we found ourselves knee deep in carnage.

Our friends, Mort and Rochelle, happened to stumble across a charity event organised by the local footy club here in Singapore, The Wombats. Aker was the guest speaker. Apparently he was on his way over here for holidays and figured there must be someone stupid enough to play Aussie Rules in the tropics, so he chased up the club to see if they wanted him to make an appearance or help out it any way. As it turned out the club had a charity evening already set up to raise money for an orphanage they've been sponsoring in Manila. And so it was that we would meet Jason Akermanis in Singapore of all places.

I don't think we quite knew what we thought about Aker as we made our way to the night. He is renowned for being a controversial figure and in that department he certainly didn't disappoint, dishing out morshals of shock to keep the punters nourished. What did surprise us though was the way he explained himself. You sat there and you weren't listening to some smart arsed knob just trying to make noise. You were listening to a very grounded guy who was, above all else, upset about the way he'd been treated. He had a tough upbringing and made it clear his love for AFL got him through some dark times.

We managed to poach him for a while for whilst he was loaded up by everyone with vodka oranges, we thought the time had come for a round of jager bombs. This may have actually ended him for the night as he didn't last much longer. Photos prove we were having great chats, if only we could remember what we were talking about. He did do a hilarious impersonation of Jonathon Brown however.

It was around this time that things really kicked off. From seemingly out of nowhere, these weird wicker barrels came out. I'm told they are sake barrels. As only a true Australian would when seeing an inanimate object, we all had a plank.

Now I love a good plank. Typically I'm not one for planking in public, I usually like to have one in the comfort of my own home. But I did get in on the group plank action and loved it.

Sadly, having had the shit kicked out of them previously, almost getting the group kicked out, the barrels didn't contain much strength and it wasn't long before our four proponents of plank hit the floor. The impact was the kind of adrenaline surging crunch that only an extreme plank can ensure. I would say having experienced this thrill first hand and the ensuing devastation caused that I am now at one with those who have been affected by other planking tragedies. Statistics show that by the time I've finished this post one in four Australians will be embarrassed by the fact that someone actually died acting like a plank and that this was broadcast across the globe with one young "gentleman" making the statement that he wanted to be the best planker in the world.

We here in Singapore support Australians right to plank and plank proudly. What we do ask, however, is that if you think you might be capable of killing yourself whilst planking, that you reconsider.

Perhaps my fondest memory of the evening is one of those simple moments that just happen. We see them in everyday life, those times when something beautiful happens and we feel inspired. That guy that you hate at work trips and hits his head, falling effortlessly into a coma. You remember that you aren't the elephant man, you're just hung like one. You realise that you are in fact the greatest person to have ever lived. These moments are what makes life worth living. And for me, having been in Asia for the better part of half a year, having given up requesting this song because of the countless rejections I'd endured, the sound of Daryl Braithwaite's "The Horses" caused a moment of euphoria. And its seems we weren't alone in this state. A scrum formed as if from nowhere in the middle of the room. Everyone standing arm in arm screaming "Thats the way its gonna be little darlin'". I weeped. I'm not afraid to say that. I feel it takes a real man to say that and I did. I weeped as I sang that really high pitched, ad lib bit "Little Darlin'" in the last chorus. The room was alive. I felt as if we will fly, way up high where the cold wind blows, or in the sun, laughin' havin' fun, with all the people that she knows. I shot someone in the face just to quell the fury. Then it stopped. A crushing blow.

Immediately the chant went up. "The Voice. Play The Voice". Then we were asked to leave. But we were not to be deterred. As B-Rabbit before us we thumbed our nose at convention and said "Fuck the beat, I'll go a cappella" and launched into Whispering Jack's finest work since Sadie the Cleaning Lady. Off into the night we stumbled. I seem to remember throwing big chunks of ice up into the air and watching it smash on the footpath. This did cause a minor disturbance when it nearly killed a couple of innocent passerbys.

Given our state at this stage, we hardly needed more booze, but it was decided to buy a traveller at the 7-11 and then unleash ourselves on Clark Quay. I probably don't need to go into too much detail of what followed but a brief summary would include Mort finding his long lost twin, a lost fiance and a receipt for 12 jager bombs.


But if the situation, should keep them separated, you know the world won't fall apart.

Welcome to the House of Fun

Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti it's Hayley and Dave vs The World. I had to tone down these opening lines because Hailz thought it might be a touch inappropriate quoting Lil John and The East Side Boyz "Get Low" in the opening stanza of a blog. Instead I went with a bit of "Africa" to give that rustic explorer feel and I think its paid off really.

So what is this you might ask? I answer that question by informing you that this is a blog about Hayley and I, living like a couple of crazy expats doing expat things. The idea is to be like a travel blog, but without all the ensuing wank that comes with such a format. Instead of becoming pretentious wankers writing condescendingly about how cultured we've become in our travels, we plan to take the piss out of everything and anything, whilst paying credit where its due. We intend to be indiscriminate in our discrimination.

I will add to this that I swear a lot. Its nothing aggressive and its not intended to offend, its more how I get a point across. Instead of using superlatives to express myself, I use swear words. I should note here that I do realise the potential for confusion when using such a primitive manner for expressing oneself. I am reminded of a friend who at dinner once was speaking of his affection for dogs. What he wanted to say was "I fucking love dogs". Instead he said "I love fucking dogs". So its been a while since I've seen him, but he is up for parole later this year.

So join us, won't you, as we inch our way across the world uncovering ridiculous stories to relay home, all served up at hawker centre prices with a hint of MSG.