Toffee Aussies

This might seem a touch wanky but I am going to put a disclaimer on this one as I feel I might be sticking my neck out.

This post contains my own individual opinions and views on the airline industry. It in no way reflects the views of my employer. The airline that employs me makes every effort to meet the demands of its customers, whilst keeping its airfares at a level that enables more Australians to fly. I do not wish to disclose my employer in this post, however, should that come to light in any manner, I wish to stress that this is me analysing the market in my own words having the experience I have within the industry, which is extremely limited, and that in no way does it reflect the attitudes of the organisation I work for. This blog is intended to be light hearted and the comments made in this post should not be taken seriously.

As I said, that probably is a bit pretentious on my part. I doubt anyone of any real importance will ever read this blog, but just in case the wrong person came across it who didn't understand what we do here, I wanted to make this clear to them.

When I worked in a Low Cost Carrier's call centre I received a great many complaints that left me scratching my head. I ended up working in the Customer Care department and my days were filled by aggreived customers appauled at the lack of service they had received on our flight.

Every time I sat there listening to someone who was horrified that the food trolley had run out of food, or their seat didn't recline properly, or they didn't get the seat they selected online I thought to myself, you do realise this is a budget carrier don't you? The industry stopped calling itself "Budget" a while ago because they thought it gave off the image that it was cheap, instead opting for the "Low Cost Carrier". But ultimately, you can call a shovel a spade, but you'll get what you paid for.

I think Australians failed to understand this concept with the introduction of the Low Cost Carrier niche in the Australian market. I understand the real complaints that people had and often found it difficult to deny someone's request based on policy alone. I dealt with a number of passengers with genuine complaints and, believe it or not everyone I worked with in that setting would make an honest attempt to assist in anyway possible.

These scenarios aside, there is an this image that certain low cost carriers are just out to cheat everyone and passengers are willing to argue for everything and anything they can. The people who will call up and say "I booked this flight a month ago for 200, now its on sale for 100. I want you to refund the difference." which is a call I took once must be kidding themselves surely. In a less "professional" setting I would like to have retorted this by saying "Alright fuckwit. You try that in Myers or Woolworths and see if that works. Why do you come to us and expect it to?" These airlines face a continual stream of complaints that if they were directed at any other business would be laughed at. The Australian low cost carrier market is still relatively young and so it is still being defined by its buyers and suppliers. We are seeing passengers demanding a high level of service from something that traditionally had none. Ryanair in England is the grand father of low cost carriers and is renowned for being cheap and nasty. It has its eyes set so heavily on its bottom line and away from the concerns of its customers, that it applied to the aviation safety authority in Europe to allow it to offer standing areas for its passengers. This is where low cost carriers came from. Buy the ticket, get on the plane,
shut the fuck up, get on your way, we'll see you next time.

In Australia on the other hand the attitude of passengers is laughable. "Excuse me. You mean to say that I paid $200 for an airfare that previous to the collapse of the Ansett/QANTAS duopoly would have cost me $400 and I have to use my legs to walk on the aircraft? I don't think so laddy boy. Wheres my gold chariot? Why isn't someone carrying me?" An exaggeration? Yeah probably, but I have spoken to passengers with such an air of entitlement that it wouldn't have surprised if someone had requested this.

What is happening in Australia is an airline like Jetstar and Tiger, who came into the market expecting to behave in the same vein as its fore fathers, have been forced to adapt to a market with much higher expectations. Each has had to implement a Customer Resolution department to meet the high volume of customers who are unsatisfied with the service they received. Now in economic terms we call these sophisticated buyers demanding a higher quality product. But think about it for a moment. The Low Cost strategy is just that, low cost. The idea is to sacrifce quality in order to control costs. When quality is demanded, something must give. And what we have just seen in Tiger is a healthy helping of give.

When a company has to introduce such a strategy, and the strategy doesn't have a direct impact on revenue, this increases the cost of operating the airline. By bitching and griping about every little misdemeanour experienced on these airlines, you have made it more expensive for these airlines to operate. When this happens, the airline has two options. They either attack the shit out their bottom lines to recover the costs from elsewhere, or they start to move away from the Low Cost Carrier market, into the murkier, unclear waters of the MCC (an industry joke meaning More Complex Carrier). We have seen Virgin for the last couple of years make an interesting transition through this stage and now its not quite sure what it is any more.

I think the best contrast to draw is Tiger Australia and Jetstar. Virgin has forever been the teflon man of the skies in Australia, shitting rose scented golden eggs in the eye of the consumer. Jetstar and Tiger are a great example of what is happening because they have always been seen as the cheap and nasty options. In other words, they are Low Cost Carriers. This is an awful joke, but I recall sitting on a flight back from KL with Hailz on board a Tiger flight quipping that this might be the last thing we ever do. She asked what I meant and I said well low cost airline are perceived as being not that safe (this is not entirely true given that Jetstar has never experienced a safety issue, whilst its full service parent Qantas, well you know the story.). Then I asked "isn't it ironic, don't ya think?" she asked, "ironic? Dancing Davey Dave, whatever do you mean" and I replied "well, its like raaa-iiii-aaaiiinnn on your wedding day, its a free riiiii-e-iiiddeee when you're already there". She then beat me savagely for the next five minutes or so before a flight attendent asked us to remove ourselves from the flight and discuss the matter with airport officials. The laughs keep coming. I'd not long been in Singapore and was down the pub for a manly pint (Thanks "How Not To Live Your Life) and met a few of the locals. They asked what I did for a crust and I informed them I'd moved to Singapore to work for an airline. They asked if that was a LCC and I said yes, we're so cheap we don't fit our planes out with navigation equipment, we just give the pilots a pair of binoculars and a compass. I think my Australian flavour of humour was lost on them as they, despite their obvious concern over this fact, whole heartedly accepted this as a way of doing business in the budget world. I did manage to clear that one up and hope that they continue to enjoy our services in the future, safe in the knowledge that we do indeed fit our aircraft out with the latest in navigation attire.

Why Tiger and Jetstar make such an interesting comparison is that you can actually see that these are two airlines faced with very similiar dilemmas but they attacked it in a different manner. Tiger went with targeting the bottom line. Sure they still put in a customer service department and have added more customer friendly products to their range (which isn't really aimed at improving the customer experience, but rather the revenue stream), but overall they have continued to try and offer the cheapest package they possibly could. They have only just upgraded their reservation system last month, a system that has been outdated for nearly three years. Their website has not changed in their seven years of operation (beginning in Singapore) and it shows.

The thing is, with rising fuel costs and increased demand for higher levels of service, something had to budge. Unfortunately it was the aviation safety authority, who took the action of grounding them. We are still waiting at this stage to see if Tiger Australia ever take the air again. They have never made a dollars profit in their three years on Aussie soil and, given the impact this will have on their reputation, they probably never will. Don't be suprised though if they stick around in the market despite the continual loses.

I say this because Tiger's main share holder, despite making it evidently clear that they have nothing to do with the running of the airline, is Singapore International Airline. Call me cynical, but I'm sure, whilst SIA and the Tiger establishment saw the Australian market as being potentially profitable, I think there is also a bit of cat and mouse being played out with Qantas having pushed its way into Singapore with Jetstar Asia and rumours surrounding a Qantas full service international carrier based out of Singapore (Don't ask me if thats true because I have no idea), not to mention SIA's new long haul international Low Cost carrier beginning operations next year. One could easily suggest that SIA and Tiger's willingness to lose money in the Australian market whilst seriously undercutting Jetstar might have something to do with taking Qantas' focus off the rapidly growing, highly lucrative and more understanding of the budget format, Asian market.

Jetstar on the other hand have begun the transtion you asked it to take. It long ago threw up the white flag at being the cheapest airline in Aus, instead contenting itself with having the highest "Price Competitiveness" Index. This is a score awarded to the airline based on a range of features, not just price alone. As they increase their services, this increases their complexities and ultimately increases their price.

This is what we've done as consumers. We've all but driven the cheapest offering out of the market by making it unsafe and unreputable and made all other combatants head for the safety of the MCC category. This might be what we as customers want, a higher standard of service. But just remember that when you're on line looking to book your week away to Bali to stock up on Bintang singlets and knock off Ray Bans, that the air fares are likely to be much more expensive as a result of this. Don't call up the airline complaining about how expensive the fares are because we did it for you. We hope you enjoyed your flight today.

Tiger Crystal Party

In my role as the Golden Child it is my duty to fluke crazy shit and tell you stories about it. And so here is the tale of how whilst drinking free beer, I won more free beer.

I saw on Facebook that Tiger Beer Singapore were promoting a Tiger Crystal Party. For anyone who hasn't had a Tiger Crystal and likes light flavoured beers that you can drink for a day and a half at a time, Tiger Crystal is right up your alley. The competition involved clicking a button on their Facebook page to open a bottle of beer and see if you'd won an invite. As luck would have it, I won. I got on the phone to Mort to inform him of my good fortune, but also of the dilemma we now faced. It was only a double pass. However, in the eleventh hour, Mort came through winning one of the last passes to be released, meaning the four of us would be team up for an onslaught that would see the beer supply fail before the allotted end time.

The party took place down at the Tanjong Beach Club on Sentosa. Now I will fill in the blanks as to what that actually means. Sentosa is a little island in Singapore. Having "reclaimed" so much land, the two islands are almost now one and are connected by a bridge measuring only a couple of hundred metres in length. Sentosa is kind of the Gold Coast / Las Vegas of Singapore. The Tanjong Beach Club is literally on Tanjong Beach. The floor is sand within its realms along the sand is a swimming pool. Yep, a swimming pool on the beach. Gotta love it.

So we arrive, show our E-Pass to verify ourselves and are handed a wrist band each. We wanted to wander away from the party down near the water on the beach, rather than the pool. So we asked if we could take an ice bucket full of beer with us. The promoters said yes. This is probably the point where we realised just how much we were likely to get away with for the day. To let us stock up on beer and walk away with it was definitely not a wise move.

We took our beers and headed down to the water. When I saw a giant floating trampoline in the water I was obviously going to try and ride the thing. So we made our way towards but noticed a guy on the beaching waving at us saying not to. There was no way I was going to miss this opportunity so I headed back up the beach towards the guy to speak to him. When I reached him I asked if we could jump on which he declined saying that it was only for private parties. I then launched into the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever said to try to get something.

I explained that I was a Jetstar representative and Mort was from Tourism Australia and together we were putting together an advertising campaign about Singapore Tourism and this kind of thing was just what we were looking to promote over here. Eventually with enough bullshit, the guy relented and allowed just the two of us to jump on, as long as we wore a life jacket. It was really, really worth it. It was exhausting up there, but lots of fun. I noticed though just how unfit I currently am when I had to stop trying to jump on the tramp and lie down for a bit. It was hard work given there was no real bounce back up as the water kind of absorbed it, but still, chubbs needs to sort that shit out.




Having had our fun on the tramp and somehow ending up playing a game of touch rugby with the locals, with some of the loosest rules I've ever played under, we found our way back up to the party to lounge in the pool. At first it looked as though the Club was taking issue with us carrying drinks in the water, but they then supplied us with plastic cups to carry around. We basically spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool drinking bucket after bucket of beer. At one stage I think we had about 20-30 beers lined up along the side of the pool and were certainly supplying patrons who were not part of our exclusive breed.



Then I think the strangest part of the afternoon happened. I have to say, I was well gone at this point. I can hardly remember any of this, just a kind of hazy outline. Somehow, I tuned in to what was happening right at the time when they were drawing the major prizes. Through my semi-unconsciousness I managed to decifer the instructions as to where to find my lucky door prize number on my wrist band, which was actually hard to find. I found the numbers and start reading them, as the girl on stage is reading out the first winning number and they match. It was like we were reading them together in unison.

From this point up until I arrived on stage is very hazy. The pool was an infinity pool and the edge nearest the stage was a wall on the other side. Somehow, having made a "WOOOOOO" noise, I managed to scale the wall and run up onto the stage where I stood before the crowd with my arms raised as though I was on a podium. I can remember being asked my name to which I replied but can't remember what happened directly after that. Then there was a representative from Tiger who was posing for photos with all the winners. I naturally tried to pash him on the cheek, which caused him to rear away from me. Them I remember being whisked off to the side to fill in my address details. I made about three attempts to get my address, E Pass number and Post Code right and kept running back and forwards with the various bits of information. In retrospect all those times I ran backwards and forwards to the pool, I was probably running through the presentation but had no idea that I was doing it.



So I won a years supply of Tiger Crystal (12 slabs) and $300 in shopping vouchers. The Golden Child reigns supreme. But I think possibly the most fun was waking up the next day and seeing all these photos of us all over Facebook posted by Tiger. There is one photo that I have no idea when it happened. I seem to recall having an ice bucket full of water and a bunch of guys telling me to put it on my head, but I could be imagining that. Anyway, there was one photo of me with an ice bucket over my head. Great times.

Singaporean (Anti) Socialising

In Singapore it seems that iPhones are government issue. Every man and his dog has one of the fucking things. I always take great delight in shouldering some idiot who has forgotten himself and failed to cleared the doors on the MRT at the station as he fervently tries to clear a level of Angry Birds. But let's be honest, Angry Birds or not, he wouldn't have gotten out of my anyway. It is just not what a Singaporean would do. I'm not trying to be rude, it is just not in their culture to considerate this. And I am not saying Singaporeans are inconsiderate either because the concept hasn't entered their spectrum of consideration. But anyway, this is not my point here, this discussion is a whole other post in itself.

The point I'm making here is in regards to the way apple products have shaped social interactions between Singaporeans today. We first noticed what I am referring one evening as we walked through a park. However, without a doubt the most disturbing experience occurred when we were at a bar near our house for happy hour one Friday. Being Singapore we were struggling to gain the waiter's attention for long enough to secure as many as three drinks each within the hour and a half we were at the venue.

Whilst we were sitting swearing at the waiter's continued failure to deliver a vodka orange and a half pint of Stella within half an hour, we noticed two of the locals sitting at a table across from us. One was holding an iPad, the other an iPhone. They both sat there for the entire duration Hayley and I were there, sipping a glass of wine, not saying anything to each other, just playing level after level of angry Birds on their respective devices. So Hayley and I set out to replicate this one evening and see what the buzz was. Sadly our attempt didn't really live up to our expectations. To be fair, this may have been on account of the fact that my phone cost me $20 in Manila and its gaming content includes the likes of "Snake".

Anyway, as I mentioned this was not an isolated incident. We often see two or three people sitting together on a park bench, not speaking to one another, just tapping away on the screen of their apple product.

With this in mind I have developed a range of products for the modern Singaporean socialite. The best seller is basically a cardboard box that you can cut up and arrange around yourself so its like you're in a room. That way its like you're in the comfort of your own home despite the fact you're within a dry a hump of distance away from the person you're IM'ing. I've also developed a special visor that allows you to clip a picture of the person you're "hanging out with" on the inside. This allows users to not even remove their eyes from the screen to ignore the person they're "out with". I must say, these products have really taken off, especially since the marketing campaign was released.

Who Nose?

This post is particularly distasteful.

I've been noticing that since I've got to Singapore I've been picking my nose a whole lot more. I'm not saying that its something new I've picked up like knitting or chlamydia, which I should note, I haven't picked up either of those so don't worry. But I'm doing it with more frequency and in a more public setting then I would ever be game to do back home.

Now I offer two reasons for this, neither of which I'm sure hold any weight, but might be fun to pad out. The first of these reasons is that I'm in Asia and it just might be that I view that kind of thing as being OK in the region and, as such, I feel comfortable enough to indulge in the practice in such enhanced fashion. Is that racist? That I think that in this culture its acceptable to behave in such vulgar manner in public? Maybe its not racist and I've just "nose dived" right into living here. Oh boom. Did he? Did he? Yeah, he did.

Quickly distancing myself from that last exchange I offer my other explanation. I used to suffer from sinuses really bad as a young adolescent, struggling to come to terms with the world with a nose like a fucking fog horn. However in recent years I've seen my Hayfever become less prevalent. Since moving here I have noticed that my sinus are a touch more on edge and I have a theory for why that is. I have a view that the tropics are a kind of Club Med for plants. All these attractive young plants out there in the heat with nothing better to do than get freaky with one another, meaning that you end up with a couple of young stud plants spraying pollen around like a male porn star who can't aim. These over hyped stamen let lose a torrent of plant love into the air for all sinus sufferers to endure.

This is by no means a reasonable account of why I've taken to my nasal cavaity which such fervour, but it did give me an opportunity to use that last joke which I've been mulling over since my early days here.

Jager Bombs with Aker

Saturday, 18th June 2011

Aker opened the evening with the line "Listening to me speak is like sex on a camping trip. It's fucking in tents". Perhaps this was an omen for what was in store for this evening as we found ourselves knee deep in carnage.

Our friends, Mort and Rochelle, happened to stumble across a charity event organised by the local footy club here in Singapore, The Wombats. Aker was the guest speaker. Apparently he was on his way over here for holidays and figured there must be someone stupid enough to play Aussie Rules in the tropics, so he chased up the club to see if they wanted him to make an appearance or help out it any way. As it turned out the club had a charity evening already set up to raise money for an orphanage they've been sponsoring in Manila. And so it was that we would meet Jason Akermanis in Singapore of all places.

I don't think we quite knew what we thought about Aker as we made our way to the night. He is renowned for being a controversial figure and in that department he certainly didn't disappoint, dishing out morshals of shock to keep the punters nourished. What did surprise us though was the way he explained himself. You sat there and you weren't listening to some smart arsed knob just trying to make noise. You were listening to a very grounded guy who was, above all else, upset about the way he'd been treated. He had a tough upbringing and made it clear his love for AFL got him through some dark times.

We managed to poach him for a while for whilst he was loaded up by everyone with vodka oranges, we thought the time had come for a round of jager bombs. This may have actually ended him for the night as he didn't last much longer. Photos prove we were having great chats, if only we could remember what we were talking about. He did do a hilarious impersonation of Jonathon Brown however.

It was around this time that things really kicked off. From seemingly out of nowhere, these weird wicker barrels came out. I'm told they are sake barrels. As only a true Australian would when seeing an inanimate object, we all had a plank.

Now I love a good plank. Typically I'm not one for planking in public, I usually like to have one in the comfort of my own home. But I did get in on the group plank action and loved it.

Sadly, having had the shit kicked out of them previously, almost getting the group kicked out, the barrels didn't contain much strength and it wasn't long before our four proponents of plank hit the floor. The impact was the kind of adrenaline surging crunch that only an extreme plank can ensure. I would say having experienced this thrill first hand and the ensuing devastation caused that I am now at one with those who have been affected by other planking tragedies. Statistics show that by the time I've finished this post one in four Australians will be embarrassed by the fact that someone actually died acting like a plank and that this was broadcast across the globe with one young "gentleman" making the statement that he wanted to be the best planker in the world.

We here in Singapore support Australians right to plank and plank proudly. What we do ask, however, is that if you think you might be capable of killing yourself whilst planking, that you reconsider.

Perhaps my fondest memory of the evening is one of those simple moments that just happen. We see them in everyday life, those times when something beautiful happens and we feel inspired. That guy that you hate at work trips and hits his head, falling effortlessly into a coma. You remember that you aren't the elephant man, you're just hung like one. You realise that you are in fact the greatest person to have ever lived. These moments are what makes life worth living. And for me, having been in Asia for the better part of half a year, having given up requesting this song because of the countless rejections I'd endured, the sound of Daryl Braithwaite's "The Horses" caused a moment of euphoria. And its seems we weren't alone in this state. A scrum formed as if from nowhere in the middle of the room. Everyone standing arm in arm screaming "Thats the way its gonna be little darlin'". I weeped. I'm not afraid to say that. I feel it takes a real man to say that and I did. I weeped as I sang that really high pitched, ad lib bit "Little Darlin'" in the last chorus. The room was alive. I felt as if we will fly, way up high where the cold wind blows, or in the sun, laughin' havin' fun, with all the people that she knows. I shot someone in the face just to quell the fury. Then it stopped. A crushing blow.

Immediately the chant went up. "The Voice. Play The Voice". Then we were asked to leave. But we were not to be deterred. As B-Rabbit before us we thumbed our nose at convention and said "Fuck the beat, I'll go a cappella" and launched into Whispering Jack's finest work since Sadie the Cleaning Lady. Off into the night we stumbled. I seem to remember throwing big chunks of ice up into the air and watching it smash on the footpath. This did cause a minor disturbance when it nearly killed a couple of innocent passerbys.

Given our state at this stage, we hardly needed more booze, but it was decided to buy a traveller at the 7-11 and then unleash ourselves on Clark Quay. I probably don't need to go into too much detail of what followed but a brief summary would include Mort finding his long lost twin, a lost fiance and a receipt for 12 jager bombs.


But if the situation, should keep them separated, you know the world won't fall apart.

Welcome to the House of Fun

Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti it's Hayley and Dave vs The World. I had to tone down these opening lines because Hailz thought it might be a touch inappropriate quoting Lil John and The East Side Boyz "Get Low" in the opening stanza of a blog. Instead I went with a bit of "Africa" to give that rustic explorer feel and I think its paid off really.

So what is this you might ask? I answer that question by informing you that this is a blog about Hayley and I, living like a couple of crazy expats doing expat things. The idea is to be like a travel blog, but without all the ensuing wank that comes with such a format. Instead of becoming pretentious wankers writing condescendingly about how cultured we've become in our travels, we plan to take the piss out of everything and anything, whilst paying credit where its due. We intend to be indiscriminate in our discrimination.

I will add to this that I swear a lot. Its nothing aggressive and its not intended to offend, its more how I get a point across. Instead of using superlatives to express myself, I use swear words. I should note here that I do realise the potential for confusion when using such a primitive manner for expressing oneself. I am reminded of a friend who at dinner once was speaking of his affection for dogs. What he wanted to say was "I fucking love dogs". Instead he said "I love fucking dogs". So its been a while since I've seen him, but he is up for parole later this year.

So join us, won't you, as we inch our way across the world uncovering ridiculous stories to relay home, all served up at hawker centre prices with a hint of MSG.