Two Weeks In India

This is about the third time I've sat down to write this post. Hence it is a week and a half since I've returned that I'm posting it. Maybe this is because the lovely Hayley couldn't come with me and as such I am a writer without a muse. Maybe it was because I felt the first two attempts were pretentious bullshit that violated the nature of our postings. Maybe India is just a confusing and contrasting place. Whatever the reason, I hope I've got it right this time.

Fucking India hey? Has anyone ever been there? The place is fucking mental. Its genius and I love it. Where else in the world can you be sitting in the hotel reading your morning paper when a goat wanders past the front window? Where else do you have drive on the wrong side of the road in peak hour traffic to get around two cows blocking the right hand lane? Where else are you constantly confronted with food that raises the question in your mind "will this make me shit myself later?" The place is absolutely crazy.

I think I could very easily get used to Indian life. Yes its dirty, yes its chaos and yes the food is a mind field of bowel movements, yet I love the food, I love the dirtiness and how raw the place is and the chaos, whilst confronting at first, somehow only adds to its charater. Its something that you quickly become accustomed to also. On the way back the airport we were very nearly T-boned not far from my hotel. Had that happened when I first arrived I would probably have been hospitalised for shock, but having seen and experienced the way the roads function for two weeks, I simply smiled at how ridiculous it all was.

I recall being incredibly flustered when I first arrived. I got into Mumbai at around 11:30 p.m Sunday night and had to jump straight into a car to take the 3-4 hour drive to Pune to start work the next day. Despite my height making it typically difficult to sleep in car, I did manage to fall fast asleep. I woke up as we pulled into a truck stop at around 1 a.m. I got out of the car half asleep, managed to buy a packet of smokes and a lighter (which was the first time I had done such a thing in about 2 months) and then stood there just trying to take everything in as I smoked a cigarette. The stop was a row of stalls and vendors on the roadside and there were so many people there, especially for that time of night. I remember there was Hindi music pumping out loud and a shit load of people looking at me. I wasn't really sure if they looking at me as though thinking "what the fuck is he doing here?" or thinking "what the fuck has that guy taken?" given the state I was in, however given the number of stares I acquired throughout the duration of my stay I'd say it was the former.

Despite the looks, which sometimes inspired a jump on the part of the proponent to mimic my stature, the people were simply lovely. The guys in the office were absolutely amazing and made the time there so much easier and enjoyable. They took me out for the weekend to enjoy the real Pune, and not the one I saw in the Hotel lobby. Turns out the joint was actually the Indian capital at one point when the Peshwas ruled. There are statues of the Peshwa king all over the place and the palace grounds still stand in the centre of the city, despite the palace itself being burnt down. It is quite a funny place inside the walls of the palace. The inside is quite peaceful with its lawns and historic nature, but spilling over its walls is the fucking incessant sound of car horns.

That was the first impression I had of India, "lay of the fucking car horn champ". I remember getting out of Mumbai airport and being led to the car and all I could hear was car horn after car horn. I thought that it must just be busy being a Sunday night and that everyone was eager to get home. I was very much mistaken. I think the only thing Indians love more than cricket is getting the fucking car horn in traffic. The project manager for our supplier over there informed me that he has 3 different settings for his car horn. If you don't listen to the first two setting, the third is probably some form of the brown note which will cause you to shit yourself (That is about the third time I have mentioned pooing in this post, for those who are keeping count).

I think the contrast this palace presents is somewhat symbolic of where India is at the moment and why it is such an interesting time to visit. When you go to a department store there are sections dedicated to western styles, however the traditional garb still features prominently. This kind of mix can be seen everywhere. Its like the West is coming and they're ok with it, but they want to hang on to who they are and where they come from. In a way they're really thumbing their noses at those anti-G20 fucks who's only claim seems to be that globalisation is killing off all cultural identity and heritage. Well here are a people who proudly hold that culture in the highest regard whilst they propel themselves into the global economy with growth of 7-8 percent per annum (Oh yeah, there is nothing like an economic statistic to ge things hot and steamy).

I think perhaps the coolest example of this that I saw were the lorries that were decked out in traditional Indian ornaments. The whole front of the chasis would look like it was designed to star in a Bollywood film.

Now thats not to say that India is comepletely on its way. If you watch TV you would think these guys have money coming out of every orifice they possessed. Sachin Tendulkar, MS Dhoni and Shahrukh Kahn are on every second commercial promoting products for the affluent lifestyle. Cable TV, Sony Plasma TVs, 3G mobile phones. But then you get out on the street and these are no where to be seen. Stray dogs and goats eating out rubbish of the side of roads like a fucking gypsie animal jamboree. Tents and sheds constructed out of whatever material could be salvaged to build the family home. Run down apartments with half the building missing. Its a completely different place. Now I could go into the corruption of the place, but I think we all know about that and I think India deserves better than this. The locals have a fantastic sense of humour about themselves and the way their country is run. The video below was on an email getting sent around the office. It uses clips from a Bollywood out at the moment called Singham and has pasted the Prime Minister's head over the main charater's. It is probably the funniest bit of political satire I have seen in a long while and is a far cry more intelligent than those fucking "I bet I can get 100 000 Aussies who want Julia Gillard to take her top off" Facebook pages circulating around at the moment.

The thing I think I found most remarkable was the scenary. When you think of India, you think of the city streets cluttered and dirty. In Pune, whilst the city itself is in line with this, it is surrounding by beautiful mountain ranges. I was blown away by the drive back the airport and the trip we took out to the ranges over the weekend. The place was so green due to it being monsoon season and there was waterfall after waterall. After about the twenty or thirtieth waterfall on the drive back it was almost like "come on, now you're just showing off aren't you? Oh look at me I've got waterfalls coming out of my arse" but it was truly remarkable. We drove past small waterfalls falling right next to the road. I would attach some photos here to show you what I meant but my photos are rubbish so I won't bother. Just close your eyes and picture it in your head. Nice yeah?

So I come back from India very surprised and hoping to get back soon if the lovely will indulge me. It is simply brilliant. To all the guys over there, if by any chance you are reading, thank you for being so welcoming and making my stay so wonderful.

Peace and love to my Lord and saviour, I'm out.

Chop Stick Bastards Stealing Our Jobs

This post might get a bit serious in parts, but I'll try and keep it light hearted.

I am currently in India working with our supplier here and came across a hilarious article about Indian Call Centres training their staff about how to handle Australian customers. The article refers to us as drunkards who haven't long had a tertiary education system. I think my favourite quote mentioned that if call us on a Friday we'll be "smashed". This guy obviously knows his Aussie culture. I don't know of any other nationality that uses that term. I also had to laugh at the comment refering to our choice of mobile phones as I sport my Nokia "four digit number" that I bought for $20 in Manila.

Now you might read this article and get a little hot under the collar. I'm sure one or two of you will fly off the handle. This is the precise reason why this article is considered news worthy. But is it really news worthy? Would Channel News Asia ever run a segment on how white people think Asians can't drive? Would the New York Times ever run an article on how the rest of the world thinks Americans are fucking annoying? Would an Indian newspaper ever publish an article on how Australians are commiting hate crimes against Indian students and calling them "opportunist"? Well actually yes on that last one they would, and they pumped the shit out of the thing.

But my point is, this is a perfect example of all the stupid things we think about one another. I may mention one or two stereotypes along the way as I blog our way through the eastern hemisphere, but there is reasoning behind it. I'm reminded of a sketch on the Dave Chappelle show where a couple of Arabs are sitting at the front of a plane talking in Arabic about American Idol. The camera then pans back to the row behind where two African Americans are thinking "great, we've got a couple of terrorists on our plane". The row behind has a middle aged white man with his daughter wondering how these African Americans could afford business class. He assumes they must be rappers and needs to keep an eye on his daughter. Behind him are two native American Indians who are worried the white guy will steal their in flight magazine or something in the same way the way white man stole his land. Then just to really slam it home, behind the natives are a couple of bison worried the Indians will kill and eat them. To finish the sketch the camera backs to Dave Chappelle passed out in his seat with a newspaper across his lap and the headline "America United".

And this is my point. We all think these absolutely ridiculous things about each other. Some of them are based on loose facts, some are a bit funny and some are just a fucking disgrace. Why I may make stupid racist jokes with tongue in cheek is to highlight just how stupid it is that some of us geniunely believe this stuff and hold it against one another. I think there are certain things that we do that we can all laugh at, as long as everyone is comfortable with it. But I think to say that one person can't be trusted or is lazy or are lesser than you just because of their background is laughable.

This is perhaps a strange tract to take in a blog that is primarily a pisstake. I think part of the reason I felt like writing this is seeing the signing of an agreement between Malaysia and Australia for an immigrant handover or whatever the fuck they're coining it. Watching the last election a thought crossed my mind. I watched two parties who weren't out to win an election, they were just trying not to lose one, who didn't want to say anything in case what they said meant they'd lose the election. So what became the key issue? Boat people. Boat people in my view is political code for "I have nothing worth saying that will change the course of this nation". It is a distraction. Think about all the other issue we have in everyday life. We are at a unique a point in time. We had the baby boomers generation where our parent's parents fucked like rabbits and pumped out kids in the "populate or perish" era. If you look at the make up of our population and plotted the number of people per age group in bands, the bands around the 50-60 age bracket are particularly swollen compared to those below it. Why is this an issue? Currently, and this is an issue across the western world who "laid back and thought of England(or their respective country)" all those years ago, there are about 3-4 employees to retirees bludging of welfare cheques. Over the course of the next 10 years or so, when the golden oldies start retiring, we are faced with having 2 people in the work force to every retiree. Welfare payments are already at level that is almost negligible. Imagine where they're heading in the coming years.

Now look around Aus and think of all the areas we have failed to invest in. We have a skills shortage, massive holes in healthcare, holes in our infrastructure. We have environmental issues that need to be addressed. We don't have a single public transport system in the entire country that operates adequately.

Now I might show flashes of my leftist twinge here, but these are all things that should have been invested in during the Howard years. In this country we saw sustained growth for some 13 years. Our tax receipts grew year on year over the course of this time. We had the funds to start to put in place some real plans to move the country forward. And what did Howard and Costello do with this? They paid off our debts.

Now on face value, great idea. Debt is never something we wish do live with, but unfortunately we are forced to in certain times. However, this is thinking in terms of the individual or the household. I like the analogy of economist Andrew Charlton who in his book "Ozenomics" made the point, that yes, the goal of your average household is to get to the point in life where you are debt free. However in the business world this just won't do. You tell me how long any CEO would survive if he kept a zero balance for liabilities on his balance sheet. What that says is the business doesn't think there is anything in the market worth investing in, meaning the business is either going to go broke or needs to change what market it is in. This is a little off topic, I'll admit, but I do like to harp on the fact that the last Liberal government was indirectly telling you they thought the nation had nothing going for it.

Maybe it wasn't that at all. If you think back to the Howard years, whether you view them as a triumph of Australian leadership or an era of nationlistic tyranny, what was the key platform they built their policies around? What did they bring to the election table every three years? Boat people.

To be fair, we did see the rise of one Pauline Hanson who had a hand in changing the Australian political landscape. She made enough noise to have the two major parties shut her down. But it was under Howard that the issue of immigration became a key focal point in Australian politics. Why is this? When you think about the issue of whatever your turn of phrase is for them, be it boat people, be it illegal immigrants, be it assylum seekers, be it those chop stick bastards coming here stealing our jobs (to whom I ask, will you drive me home at 4am on a Saturday morning while I try not vomit in the back of your cab and sing to whatever Gold FM are playing? Will you serve me my sausage roll at the 7-11 at 4am while I think I am the funniest person alive and try and work just how drunk I am right now? Will you clean the toilet in maccas after I've rained down hell on the thing from whichever orifice was appropriate at the time?) how do they honestly affect your everyday life?

For the average Australian are we geniunely impacted so heavily by people entering the country that we are willing to let an election be decided by it? And a more important question, because this really shows what happens when you take your eyes off the prize, are we willing to let 13 years of sustained economic growth pass by without seeing our government make any headway into solving our real key issues? The Howard government's legacy will be remembered forever as taking a strong stance on people illegally entering the country as long as we are not willing to accept that what it really did was create a distraction for long enough to save itself from having to make a decision about the direction of the country. Leave the poor bastards alone and get focused on the real problem facing Australia, a lack of real leadership.

Thanks for reading this if you read it the whole way through. I'll try to get back on assignment next time and
get some of the other posts I've been working on out. Who is your favourite genius, James Hird or James Joyce?