Its Been A While, But We Still Love You.

I haven't blogged for a while. Its been a pretty turbulent time for us. Mum is sick and we don't really know what might happen there and Hayley continues to savagely beat me with a hammer she nicknamed "Bam Bam". I'm trying to type something out funny here to try and spark me up so apologies for that last joke.

We were in Melbourne for an extended stay recently. We were originally just coming for a couple of weeks at the the start of September for a couple of weddings, but had to come home early when I got the news about mum. We're not really sure where its at at the moment and waiting to see how she reacts to the treatment before they speculate on her chances. Needless to say I haven't been the chirpiest character of late and as I write this, I have been struggling not to break down in tears for most of the day. The stuppiest little things will set you off at a time like this.

To give an example, mum had a test today that could reveal something simply awful for us. My sister was here during the week and we called her on speaker phone on Tuesday night. She was talking about how they'd go and get something for lunch on the way back to the hospital. Mum hasn't had much of appetite of late, but just recently has started really enjoying her food again. She told us how much she wanted a meatball sub from Subway and that they'd get one on the way home today. I remembered this and sent a text to her to wish her well for the test and asking her if she'd got her sub. She responded that the sub was "bloody beautiful". I for some reason felt like Subway also and in some kind of retarded honour to her had a meatball sub myself. I sat in Subway by myself, doing all I could to stop myself from bursting into tears. And I have been holding the tears back since.

I've also started smoking again, much to Hayley's dismay. The first thing I wanted when I got the phone call wasn't a hug, wasn't to get extremely drunk or anything like that, but a cigarette. I went straight to the shops and bought a pack and I'm pretty sure I smoked the whole thing in a night. Now my brother had also started smoking again, but he being made of stronger fibre than I (I think its the stuff they make fridges out of) gave up freely of his own will. I on the other hand come to work everyday determined not to smoke, only to get upset or stressed about mum or the fact that our off shore support team at work are simply awful and incapable of the simplest of tasks (really hope none of them are reading this). The worst thing I've heard though was when Paully finally decided to tell his mates about mum and what he was going through. When he told them he was obviously out drinking because the man is an emotional steel trap when sober. Shit goes in there but you'll get nothing come back out. But on the drink you will start to see a steady trickle of emotion seep out that will never be seen if alcohol wasn't part of the equation. So Paully is having a dart and a jar telling his mates his mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer. And what does his mate say? "Oh that's real clever, your mum has lung cancer and you've started smoking". I will come down there and finger you roughly if you keep that kind of tone up young man. Mum is a life long non-smoker, and whilst I think dad and I both shat ourselves thinking it was our second hand smoke, the type of lung cancer mum has is the most common form found in life long non smokers.

It looks as though Hayley and I may be on our way home at the end of our year here. We had wanted to stay on and will be very sad to leave but I think the gravity of the situation calls for our return. So I wanted to go through some of the funnier things I have seen in our year thus far.

The funniest thing I have seen this year and possibly ever actually happened in Melbourne. I was sitting out the front of our office on Bourke St when I looked up and saw this short Asian dude walking like he was Bruce Lee or some shit. He had a very intense glare going on and I had to follow his eyes to determine what had him so concerned. I look at where he was looking and two school kids where sitting on a bench laughing at him. The next thing this guys breaks into what I would describe as some kind of retarding Bruce Lee/Robot dance in slow motion. Without being able to act it out for you, it probably doesn't work, but just picture some guy trying to make out that he was going to go all Kung Fu on your arse, but instead just looked like he was wasn't sure if he sizing you up for a fight or doing the robot. In the end the school kids got up laughing and walked away, presumbly for fear of laughing so hard they pop a hernia.

Something else that I always look back and laugh about were the drinks in Manila. I remember when we got there everyone recommended we try a Blow Job. I was quick to respond by ensuring them I had enjoyed such a thing previously, but had a girlfriend back home and would be spending the next month willingly without that comfort. Basically a Blow Job in alcoholic terms is a shot of Baileys and Cointreau I think. Now when we were first ordered a round the waiter brought them out on a tray and gave us each a straw. We Aussies all looked at each thinking "Sorry? Straws? I don't think so". Next thing the waiter pulls out a lighter and sets the things on fire. Now that condescending look on our faces when we were presenting with straws turned to confusion. One of the locals who was with us dived in with the straw, drink still on fire, and necked all the liquor which extinguished the flame. So we thought this was great. It hurt a lot but it was something a bit different. After spending two nights necking these things, we had enough of our insides burning and when it was my turn for a round of shots I was instructed in no uncertain terms that we were not to have Blow Jobs under any circumstances. So I went to the bar and looked at the shooters menu. I saw a B-52 and thought "We have those at home I think and I've never them on fire so that should be safe". I ordered the round and the waiter said he'd bring them out for us. I went back to the group and not long after the waiter brings out a tray with shot glasses, all of which were on fire, and a hand full of straws. The group erupted and turned on me. I stood there defending myself claiming he either misheard me and thought I asked for Blow Jobs or they also set B-52s on fire over here. And I am quite sure it was the latter. Everywhere we went they seemed to try and set something on fire. We got to the point where when we ordered a round, I'd get my lighter out of my pocket and wave it at it saying "No fire. No fire". The absolute epitomy of this obsesssion with alcohlic combustion was at a nightclub one night in The Fort. I could see the waiters walking around with bottles of Champagne. Strapped to the top of the bottle was a fire cracker throwing off sparks. It was as if they'd bought a crate of the stuff, got a bottle out, poured it into a glass and tried to set fire to it. Clearly the Champagne didn't ignite and the guy was left standing there trying to work out how he could sell it. "If I can't burn the fucking thing it'll never move." So they strapped a fucking fire cracker to the top of it in the hope of creating the illusion it was on fire. Genius.

Anyway, Hailz and I will continue to enjoy in the Land of the Lion, albeit under some difficult circumstances, namely "Bam Bam". We hope to squeeze a few more solid blogs out before we wipe ourselves clean of Singapore (I am really very happy with this sentence). To everyone back home who we missed while we were there, we are sorry to have missed you but 1. Melbourne was far too fucking cold to do anything but wallow in front of a television and 2. I don't like any of you (I'm trying to say it was a difficult time and I spent most of it with my family). We'll be home at Christmas and I'm sure Hailz will be trying to get me down to Warrnambool thinking I might ask Pat for her hand. Settle Down.

We love you all and will see you very soon, but not before we get very fucked up several more times for your enjoyment.

Toffee Aussies

This might seem a touch wanky but I am going to put a disclaimer on this one as I feel I might be sticking my neck out.

This post contains my own individual opinions and views on the airline industry. It in no way reflects the views of my employer. The airline that employs me makes every effort to meet the demands of its customers, whilst keeping its airfares at a level that enables more Australians to fly. I do not wish to disclose my employer in this post, however, should that come to light in any manner, I wish to stress that this is me analysing the market in my own words having the experience I have within the industry, which is extremely limited, and that in no way does it reflect the attitudes of the organisation I work for. This blog is intended to be light hearted and the comments made in this post should not be taken seriously.

As I said, that probably is a bit pretentious on my part. I doubt anyone of any real importance will ever read this blog, but just in case the wrong person came across it who didn't understand what we do here, I wanted to make this clear to them.

When I worked in a Low Cost Carrier's call centre I received a great many complaints that left me scratching my head. I ended up working in the Customer Care department and my days were filled by aggreived customers appauled at the lack of service they had received on our flight.

Every time I sat there listening to someone who was horrified that the food trolley had run out of food, or their seat didn't recline properly, or they didn't get the seat they selected online I thought to myself, you do realise this is a budget carrier don't you? The industry stopped calling itself "Budget" a while ago because they thought it gave off the image that it was cheap, instead opting for the "Low Cost Carrier". But ultimately, you can call a shovel a spade, but you'll get what you paid for.

I think Australians failed to understand this concept with the introduction of the Low Cost Carrier niche in the Australian market. I understand the real complaints that people had and often found it difficult to deny someone's request based on policy alone. I dealt with a number of passengers with genuine complaints and, believe it or not everyone I worked with in that setting would make an honest attempt to assist in anyway possible.

These scenarios aside, there is an this image that certain low cost carriers are just out to cheat everyone and passengers are willing to argue for everything and anything they can. The people who will call up and say "I booked this flight a month ago for 200, now its on sale for 100. I want you to refund the difference." which is a call I took once must be kidding themselves surely. In a less "professional" setting I would like to have retorted this by saying "Alright fuckwit. You try that in Myers or Woolworths and see if that works. Why do you come to us and expect it to?" These airlines face a continual stream of complaints that if they were directed at any other business would be laughed at. The Australian low cost carrier market is still relatively young and so it is still being defined by its buyers and suppliers. We are seeing passengers demanding a high level of service from something that traditionally had none. Ryanair in England is the grand father of low cost carriers and is renowned for being cheap and nasty. It has its eyes set so heavily on its bottom line and away from the concerns of its customers, that it applied to the aviation safety authority in Europe to allow it to offer standing areas for its passengers. This is where low cost carriers came from. Buy the ticket, get on the plane,
shut the fuck up, get on your way, we'll see you next time.

In Australia on the other hand the attitude of passengers is laughable. "Excuse me. You mean to say that I paid $200 for an airfare that previous to the collapse of the Ansett/QANTAS duopoly would have cost me $400 and I have to use my legs to walk on the aircraft? I don't think so laddy boy. Wheres my gold chariot? Why isn't someone carrying me?" An exaggeration? Yeah probably, but I have spoken to passengers with such an air of entitlement that it wouldn't have surprised if someone had requested this.

What is happening in Australia is an airline like Jetstar and Tiger, who came into the market expecting to behave in the same vein as its fore fathers, have been forced to adapt to a market with much higher expectations. Each has had to implement a Customer Resolution department to meet the high volume of customers who are unsatisfied with the service they received. Now in economic terms we call these sophisticated buyers demanding a higher quality product. But think about it for a moment. The Low Cost strategy is just that, low cost. The idea is to sacrifce quality in order to control costs. When quality is demanded, something must give. And what we have just seen in Tiger is a healthy helping of give.

When a company has to introduce such a strategy, and the strategy doesn't have a direct impact on revenue, this increases the cost of operating the airline. By bitching and griping about every little misdemeanour experienced on these airlines, you have made it more expensive for these airlines to operate. When this happens, the airline has two options. They either attack the shit out their bottom lines to recover the costs from elsewhere, or they start to move away from the Low Cost Carrier market, into the murkier, unclear waters of the MCC (an industry joke meaning More Complex Carrier). We have seen Virgin for the last couple of years make an interesting transition through this stage and now its not quite sure what it is any more.

I think the best contrast to draw is Tiger Australia and Jetstar. Virgin has forever been the teflon man of the skies in Australia, shitting rose scented golden eggs in the eye of the consumer. Jetstar and Tiger are a great example of what is happening because they have always been seen as the cheap and nasty options. In other words, they are Low Cost Carriers. This is an awful joke, but I recall sitting on a flight back from KL with Hailz on board a Tiger flight quipping that this might be the last thing we ever do. She asked what I meant and I said well low cost airline are perceived as being not that safe (this is not entirely true given that Jetstar has never experienced a safety issue, whilst its full service parent Qantas, well you know the story.). Then I asked "isn't it ironic, don't ya think?" she asked, "ironic? Dancing Davey Dave, whatever do you mean" and I replied "well, its like raaa-iiii-aaaiiinnn on your wedding day, its a free riiiii-e-iiiddeee when you're already there". She then beat me savagely for the next five minutes or so before a flight attendent asked us to remove ourselves from the flight and discuss the matter with airport officials. The laughs keep coming. I'd not long been in Singapore and was down the pub for a manly pint (Thanks "How Not To Live Your Life) and met a few of the locals. They asked what I did for a crust and I informed them I'd moved to Singapore to work for an airline. They asked if that was a LCC and I said yes, we're so cheap we don't fit our planes out with navigation equipment, we just give the pilots a pair of binoculars and a compass. I think my Australian flavour of humour was lost on them as they, despite their obvious concern over this fact, whole heartedly accepted this as a way of doing business in the budget world. I did manage to clear that one up and hope that they continue to enjoy our services in the future, safe in the knowledge that we do indeed fit our aircraft out with the latest in navigation attire.

Why Tiger and Jetstar make such an interesting comparison is that you can actually see that these are two airlines faced with very similiar dilemmas but they attacked it in a different manner. Tiger went with targeting the bottom line. Sure they still put in a customer service department and have added more customer friendly products to their range (which isn't really aimed at improving the customer experience, but rather the revenue stream), but overall they have continued to try and offer the cheapest package they possibly could. They have only just upgraded their reservation system last month, a system that has been outdated for nearly three years. Their website has not changed in their seven years of operation (beginning in Singapore) and it shows.

The thing is, with rising fuel costs and increased demand for higher levels of service, something had to budge. Unfortunately it was the aviation safety authority, who took the action of grounding them. We are still waiting at this stage to see if Tiger Australia ever take the air again. They have never made a dollars profit in their three years on Aussie soil and, given the impact this will have on their reputation, they probably never will. Don't be suprised though if they stick around in the market despite the continual loses.

I say this because Tiger's main share holder, despite making it evidently clear that they have nothing to do with the running of the airline, is Singapore International Airline. Call me cynical, but I'm sure, whilst SIA and the Tiger establishment saw the Australian market as being potentially profitable, I think there is also a bit of cat and mouse being played out with Qantas having pushed its way into Singapore with Jetstar Asia and rumours surrounding a Qantas full service international carrier based out of Singapore (Don't ask me if thats true because I have no idea), not to mention SIA's new long haul international Low Cost carrier beginning operations next year. One could easily suggest that SIA and Tiger's willingness to lose money in the Australian market whilst seriously undercutting Jetstar might have something to do with taking Qantas' focus off the rapidly growing, highly lucrative and more understanding of the budget format, Asian market.

Jetstar on the other hand have begun the transtion you asked it to take. It long ago threw up the white flag at being the cheapest airline in Aus, instead contenting itself with having the highest "Price Competitiveness" Index. This is a score awarded to the airline based on a range of features, not just price alone. As they increase their services, this increases their complexities and ultimately increases their price.

This is what we've done as consumers. We've all but driven the cheapest offering out of the market by making it unsafe and unreputable and made all other combatants head for the safety of the MCC category. This might be what we as customers want, a higher standard of service. But just remember that when you're on line looking to book your week away to Bali to stock up on Bintang singlets and knock off Ray Bans, that the air fares are likely to be much more expensive as a result of this. Don't call up the airline complaining about how expensive the fares are because we did it for you. We hope you enjoyed your flight today.

Singaporean (Anti) Socialising

In Singapore it seems that iPhones are government issue. Every man and his dog has one of the fucking things. I always take great delight in shouldering some idiot who has forgotten himself and failed to cleared the doors on the MRT at the station as he fervently tries to clear a level of Angry Birds. But let's be honest, Angry Birds or not, he wouldn't have gotten out of my anyway. It is just not what a Singaporean would do. I'm not trying to be rude, it is just not in their culture to considerate this. And I am not saying Singaporeans are inconsiderate either because the concept hasn't entered their spectrum of consideration. But anyway, this is not my point here, this discussion is a whole other post in itself.

The point I'm making here is in regards to the way apple products have shaped social interactions between Singaporeans today. We first noticed what I am referring one evening as we walked through a park. However, without a doubt the most disturbing experience occurred when we were at a bar near our house for happy hour one Friday. Being Singapore we were struggling to gain the waiter's attention for long enough to secure as many as three drinks each within the hour and a half we were at the venue.

Whilst we were sitting swearing at the waiter's continued failure to deliver a vodka orange and a half pint of Stella within half an hour, we noticed two of the locals sitting at a table across from us. One was holding an iPad, the other an iPhone. They both sat there for the entire duration Hayley and I were there, sipping a glass of wine, not saying anything to each other, just playing level after level of angry Birds on their respective devices. So Hayley and I set out to replicate this one evening and see what the buzz was. Sadly our attempt didn't really live up to our expectations. To be fair, this may have been on account of the fact that my phone cost me $20 in Manila and its gaming content includes the likes of "Snake".

Anyway, as I mentioned this was not an isolated incident. We often see two or three people sitting together on a park bench, not speaking to one another, just tapping away on the screen of their apple product.

With this in mind I have developed a range of products for the modern Singaporean socialite. The best seller is basically a cardboard box that you can cut up and arrange around yourself so its like you're in a room. That way its like you're in the comfort of your own home despite the fact you're within a dry a hump of distance away from the person you're IM'ing. I've also developed a special visor that allows you to clip a picture of the person you're "hanging out with" on the inside. This allows users to not even remove their eyes from the screen to ignore the person they're "out with". I must say, these products have really taken off, especially since the marketing campaign was released.

Who Nose?

This post is particularly distasteful.

I've been noticing that since I've got to Singapore I've been picking my nose a whole lot more. I'm not saying that its something new I've picked up like knitting or chlamydia, which I should note, I haven't picked up either of those so don't worry. But I'm doing it with more frequency and in a more public setting then I would ever be game to do back home.

Now I offer two reasons for this, neither of which I'm sure hold any weight, but might be fun to pad out. The first of these reasons is that I'm in Asia and it just might be that I view that kind of thing as being OK in the region and, as such, I feel comfortable enough to indulge in the practice in such enhanced fashion. Is that racist? That I think that in this culture its acceptable to behave in such vulgar manner in public? Maybe its not racist and I've just "nose dived" right into living here. Oh boom. Did he? Did he? Yeah, he did.

Quickly distancing myself from that last exchange I offer my other explanation. I used to suffer from sinuses really bad as a young adolescent, struggling to come to terms with the world with a nose like a fucking fog horn. However in recent years I've seen my Hayfever become less prevalent. Since moving here I have noticed that my sinus are a touch more on edge and I have a theory for why that is. I have a view that the tropics are a kind of Club Med for plants. All these attractive young plants out there in the heat with nothing better to do than get freaky with one another, meaning that you end up with a couple of young stud plants spraying pollen around like a male porn star who can't aim. These over hyped stamen let lose a torrent of plant love into the air for all sinus sufferers to endure.

This is by no means a reasonable account of why I've taken to my nasal cavaity which such fervour, but it did give me an opportunity to use that last joke which I've been mulling over since my early days here.